I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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