YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
