It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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