I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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