1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
There's always time for handjobs
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
