Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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