Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
