My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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