he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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