I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
