My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
