My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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