mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
