The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
