Christians are straight up FREAKS
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
