1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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