I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
