it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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