Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Let's get the cat blown out
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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