I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
