don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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