fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
