I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
