I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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