if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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