I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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