she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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