Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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