I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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