I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
