mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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