Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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