but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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