I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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