just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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