The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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