what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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