Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
