im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
