i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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