Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
