Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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