Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
