Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
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