hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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