If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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