I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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