what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
