i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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