OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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