i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I am naked and annoyed.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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