Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
